Three years, of singleness, depression, fear, and loneliness. This has been my life. The simple fact of life is it is hard to be happy without love. Love of a good friend, of a lover, of a parent or sibling. I have none of those, I am alone.

I have friends, siblings, and my parents are alive, but I’m not very close to any of them, very few people know that much about me. Someone you see once every couple months does not represent a close relationship.

I know what you are thinking ‘loser’. Perhaps you are right, it has been said about me more often than not.

Actually, most peoples reaction to this is: think positive, be happy, change your routine, put yourself out there, etc. I’m 34, I know these things, I’ve done these things, thus far it has all failed. Not just a minor set back kind of failures, but colossal ego-killing failures. I have no passion for the fight anymore.

It isn’t that these people are wrong, the cliches they speak are based in reality. The problem with changing ones habits is when you have explored as many viable positive options and all those fail you are left with viable negative options. A regression of personality, this is where I’m headed.

Barring that you are left with just pain management and that’s what this life is for me, utter pain. I sometimes admire people who commit suicide. I don’t agree it is the cowards way out, it’s people who are in such incredible pain and their friends either don’t care, know, or are incapable of helping. I would imagine their last few moments have to be some of their happiest of their life, they see the end of their pain.

No this isn’t my wish for me, I’m too much of a pussy to do it myself. I’ll have to wait till life does the inevitable and dims my lights for me. I just admire their courage.

So what does this have to do with forks? I took this picture for my last girlfriend. It is a visual representation of how I felt about her, and how I feel about any lover, if it isn’t obvious. She was my last fork and I fear I have run out of cutlery. So now I think I need to do another picture, of a single solitary fork.